Please, Not Another Date Night

Photo by Penny Starr/cnsnews.com

Earlier in the week, Joe Biden, last years smart VP candidate, addressed a meeting of the AARP in which he was quoted as saying:

“We’re going to go bankrupt as a nation,” Biden said.

“Now, people when I say that look at me and say, ‘What are you talking about, Joe? You’re telling me we have to go spend money to keep from going bankrupt?’” Biden said. “The answer is yes, that's what I’m telling you.”

It remains unclear if he "got any action" in the after-speech shmoozing session, but other reports, as yet unconfirmed, attribute him as saying:

"Under our new plan, your doctor may actually be a lawyer, but at least you'll have health care".

"I knew John Kennedy. John Kennedy was a friend of mine. You're no John Kennedy. I just made that up".

"Killing Al Queda in Afghanistan is completely different from killing Al Queda in Iraq. It's not the same thing at all".

"The public simply must keep financing Wall Street banks. The only people who can get us out of this mess, are the ones who screwed it up. Nobody else on the planet knows how to be a bank president. I don't, do you?"

"Buying American doesn't necessarily mean protectionism. Foreigners can still sell things here all they want to, we just won't buy them."

"It's not necessary for legislators to read legislation. When I was a Senator, I just read the Boston Globe; they have someone over there who reads all that legislative stuff".

GM makes wonderful cars. I've never personally owned a car, myself, but I hear they're nice. Are they the ones who make the Mercedes limo?"

"The University of Delaware is an excellent law school. I learned all my rhetorical skills there".

Ode to the Unstimulatable

Incredibly, there is talk in Congress of a second stimulus package. For the record, the first stimulus is somewhere between 15-40% spent, depending on who you choose to believe. It's not due to get to 100% until sometime next year. Apparently, for the truly empathetic, one just can't spend other people's money fast enough. For whatever reason, this has caused me to burst into song.

Ode to the Unstimulatable (sung to the tune of "Unforgetable" by the legendary Nat King Cole)

Unstimulatable, that’s what you are
Unresusitatable, even by a Czar

We all agree, it’s so complainable
Credit bubbles are unsustainable

The printing press will get no rest

Unstimulatable, or so it seems
Unpenultimatable, by any means

You’ve stopped buying- that’s regrettable
Supply, demand, is still resettable

That’s why I
Am unstimulatable too

Twitter Theater presents...

Twitter at the Siege of Yorktown

Any similarity between the characters and persons living or dead is strictly coincidental. However, I would like to thank the 40 or so people I'm following on Twitter for their inspiration. Icons are from clipart.com, all rights reserved.

Cast of Characters……………....……..played by

MeFirst…………………........General Washington
YankeeYuppie……Aide to General Washington
Glutton4Gluttony…………...……Lord Cornwallis
DandyCandy…………...Aide to Lord Cornwallis
WillSail4Wine.………French Admiral De Grass
FuturePresident.…………..Alexander Hamilton
DocBentIt…………………......…Town Intellectual
PrivateAnon ……..Continental Army Private
InnkeepersDaughter……......……….…Anonymous
IDontStink………………......…High Society Lady
MatronlyMom……......……Working Class Woman

Note:Unlike a regular blog post, Twitter starts at the bottom and scrolls up. Our story starts at the bottom of the post and ends here.



DocBentIt FUNFACT: French people have 6 toes on each foot. #NewResearch




IDontStink My betrothed and I strolled along the wharves this afternoon. We met several gallant French Naval Officers. #2ndThoughts




MatronlyMom Fresh rat flanks ½ off @MidtownMarket




MeFirst @Glutton4Gluttony Very well, I’ll accept at noon this Inst'. #pwned




Glutton4Gluttony @MeFirst For the Love Of God man, I implore you, accept my sword. I’ve not had good veal in a fortnight.



PrivateAnon @MeFirst Begging the General's pardon, Sir, May I request you let them starve? I’d give a months wage to see @Glutton4Gluttony in a size 3 corset.



YankeeYuppie @MeFirst Could you hold off a little while longer General? I’ve got 2 bits on @DandyCandy not surviving.



Glutton4Gluttony @MeFirst It would appear you have the advantage, Sir. I’m prepared to offer my sword at your earliest convenience



DocBentIt FUNFACT: Surplus Continental Army bread doubles as a coarse cement. #NewResearch




DandyCandy @WillSail4Wine That’s DandyCandy you illiterate swine. I’m currently living in a mud puddle with commoners #disgusting.



WillSail4Wine @MeFirst I’ve dispatched the British fleet and am moving into range of the town. Where did you say @CandyAssDandy lived?


Two weeks later…



FuturePresident @PrivateAnon If I ever find out who you really are, I'll have you horsewhipped.




MeFirst @FuturePresident Very well, then. Proceed.




PrivateAnon @FuturePresident Good thinking Colonel, dying will definitely give us something to do.



FuturePresident @MeFirst @YankeeYuppie But the troops are idle. Attacking will raise morale and give them something to do.



PrivateAnon @FuturePresident Begging the Colonel’s pardon, how many is 10?




MatronlyMom My 7 yr old knocked over an entire hogshead of molasses in the barn and didn’t tell anyone. I’ll be scrubbing sticky cow hooves all morning now.



YankeeYuppie @FuturePresident Request denied. Fort number 10 has no strategic value whatsoever.



MatronlyMom My 13 yr old left a Bullfrog in the night pot for me last night. I didn’t get any sleep at all after that.



FuturePresident @MeFirst @YankeeYuppieI’ve found an opening in the line near fort number 10. Permission to attack?



DocBentIt FUNFACT: New poll out, women prefer men who bathe more than thrice a year to men who don’t. TinyBraodsheet83 #ClarkesvillePostDispatch


InnkeepersDaughter @WillSail4Wine I don’t presume you’ll be making port in Charleston to ‘re-provision’? ;)




WillSail4Wine @YankeeYuppie I’m off the coast of Carolina. This wind sucks.




YankeeYuppie @WillSail4Wine The General requests you make haste. The British fleet is approaching the bay.



Two weeks later…



IDontStink My betrothed ‘let one go‘ at supper tonight, right in front of everybody, then he blamed it on my plum pudding. #ihatehim



DocBentIt FUNFACT: Witchcraft due for a comeback, human soul weighs 3.2 ounces, more Vermont goblin sightings TinyBraodsheet81 #CottonMatherInst.ofScience



MatronlyMom I’m at the market. All they have that’s fresh are rats. I’m getting the putrid beef instead, again. :(



YankeeYuppie @DandyCandy Speaking of which, is it true they have to hide the livery boy whenever you’re @3ForksTavern? #pwned



DandyCandy @YankeeYuppie Bring it Hillbilly. I’ve heard what the ladies say about your aim. #pwned



IDontStink Just heard my betrothed traded his thoroughbred for a washer woman and a used carriage. # iluvhim



YankeeYuppie @DandyCandy The General desires that I remind you we have plenty of powder and shell for the artillery, and we know where you live.



WillSail4Wine @MeFirst Finally rounded up the crew and set sail, departing St. Martinique. This better be worth it.



DandyCandy @MeFirst Lord C. does NOT tweet with rabble. Go back to your pig farm, Nature Boy.




DocBentIt FUNFACT: tooting low grade snuff, 3 times daily reduces risk of sinus infection 10% #newresearch



MatronlyMom I dumped the night-pot out the window. Someone drank WAY TOO MUCH ale last night. I’m making breakfast now.



MeFirst @Glutton4Gluttony Good morning, Your Rotundity. I do hope the artillery hasn't been disturbing your sleep. I am prepared to entertain the terms of your surrender, should you feel the need.

A Little Poem

I couldn't help noticing that both Zeke and Tex went all poetic during the election. The wild emotionalism of some Democrats, eh? Well, poetry equates to culture, and I can't let a couple of Democrats out-culture a Republican, now can I? They're supposed to be the rabble; the great unwashed. Unfortunately, my cultural roots only go back to Mad Magazine and Jimi Hendrix. If we all pull together, maybe we can get the new Democratic Legislature to declare November "Bad Poetry Month".

Green Haze (Sung to the tune: Purple Haze)

Bailout money, all around
Ka-ching, Ka-ching is my favorite sound
I’ve got the Feds
In my pocket too.
Excuse me,
While I shake down the rubes.

Billions more, if you please?
Let's send more factories, overseas.
Your Chinese auto,
Will do just fine.
You can’t drive much
When all you’ve got’s a dime.

All the lawyers in old D.C.,
Add up to nothing since they can’t touch me.
They made the rules,
I just play along.
Meanwhile the Dem’s
Don’t know how far it’s gone.

An Open Letter

To Lloyd C. Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs, inspired by CBS News



Dear Mr. Blankfein,

Our mutual friend, Hank
"Spanky" Paulson, has informed me of your plans to set aside $6.8 billion, of the $10 billion we sent you recently, for employee bonuses. Allow me to be among the first to congratulate you on your immense generosity in this season of giving. This will not only reward your dedicated employees in their quest to destroy the last vestiges of the free market, but will be of enormous benefit to the waiters, doormen, and cab drivers throughout the greater New York metro area.

I do hope the remaining $3.2 billion will be enough for the little Mrs. to fulfill her diamond tiara fantasy. Having more baubles than Catherine the Great provides an excellent example for the young people regarding setting one's goals and "working hard" to achieve them. Should you feel the need for further pocket change, or more lessons in the art of materialistic paganism, please drop by my offices at any time.

Happy Holidays and keep up the good work.

Satan ( Yes, that Satan)

Townsend interviewed

I took the night off tonight and decided to catch up on the news. What a stroke of luck. Over on mysilverstate.com , Robert Townsend, Democratic party candidate for Assembly District 25 had an interview. For the benefit of all my fellow public school graduates, who may not have years of experience interpreting politicians, I decided to write a brief synopsis.

SS: Who are you, and why are you doing this?

RT: I'm a New Yorker. I was born and raised on Long Island, and worked as a union musician in Manhattan. I also lived in Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Kona, Hawaii. Some day, I hope to actually meet one of those "conservatives" I keep hearing so much about.

SS: It is a known fact that your Republican opponent in AD 25, Heidi Gansert, smiled and said hello to Governor Gibbons on at least two separate occasions. Are you going to try and use this to drag her through the mud, like other Democrats are doing with Governor Gibbons?

RT: No, I don't have that kind of cash. What we really need are more public/private partnerships. You know, the kind of thing Al Gore used to talk about before he went off the deep end. In a public/private partnership our elected representatives ship huge vats of government gravy to people who own something called "a business". The people who own "a business" soon become richer than a Las Vegas call-girl. Then they send most of that money to a democratic front group, such as, the People's Republic of China. Most of that money is then returned to the elected Democrats, who use it to run an effective smear campaign. It's a beautiful thing, man. Beautiful.

SS: The state budget revenues are projected to be 14.21% below spending. Governor Gibbons and his minions in the Republican party are talking about cutting spending by the same 14.21%, in order to balance the budget as mandated by the state constitution. Do you think this is evil?

RT: Of coarse it's evil. You can't balance a budget just by reducing spending. That's ridiculous. It's like saying you could balance your checkbook, just by not buying everything you see. Obviously, what we need is more money. In effect, the government of Nevada needs to find a new job. I propose we move the entire government to Utah, and run that state for a while. I hear there's good money in Utah, and it's close enough we could still visit on weekends. After we've saved a little nest egg, we could move back and balance the budget.

SS: You've recently come out in favor of gay rights, and you're also very strong on the environment. Could you talk a little about these two issues?

RT: Yes, I think we should give as much taxpayer money as possible to anyone who even seems like they're gay. Just say you're gay, and you'd get a big pile of dough. Think of it, an entire state full of gay, rich people. We'd have to change the state motto, though. "Battle Born" is much too confrontational; something more like "Nevada; Fabulously Trendy", would be much better.

As far as the environment goes, I think putting up giant wind mills and solar reflectors all over the place, along with huge tubs of oil producing algae, would be great ideas. I especially like the algae thing. Some people refer to algae as pond scum, but they're being too harsh. Over the years, Ive come to appreciate pond scum. It's a texture thing with me. Besides, all these so-called mountains out here, are really just big piles of dirt. Who wants to see a big pile of dirt? I don't. I'm from New York.

SS: Thank you Mr. Townsend.

RT: Thank you.