Friday, July 25, 2008

Townsend interviewed

I took the night off tonight and decided to catch up on the news. What a stroke of luck. Over on , Robert Townsend, Democratic party candidate for Assembly District 25 had an interview. For the benefit of all my fellow public school graduates, who may not have years of experience interpreting politicians, I decided to write a brief synopsis.

SS: Who are you, and why are you doing this?

RT: I'm a New Yorker. I was born and raised on Long Island, and worked as a union musician in Manhattan. I also lived in Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Kona, Hawaii. Some day, I hope to actually meet one of those "conservatives" I keep hearing so much about.

SS: It is a known fact that your Republican opponent in AD 25, Heidi Gansert, smiled and said hello to Governor Gibbons on at least two separate occasions. Are you going to try and use this to drag her through the mud, like other Democrats are doing with Governor Gibbons?

RT: No, I don't have that kind of cash. What we really need are more public/private partnerships. You know, the kind of thing Al Gore used to talk about before he went off the deep end. In a public/private partnership our elected representatives ship huge vats of government gravy to people who own something called "a business". The people who own "a business" soon become richer than a Las Vegas call-girl. Then they send most of that money to a democratic front group, such as, the People's Republic of China. Most of that money is then returned to the elected Democrats, who use it to run an effective smear campaign. It's a beautiful thing, man. Beautiful.

SS: The state budget revenues are projected to be 14.21% below spending. Governor Gibbons and his minions in the Republican party are talking about cutting spending by the same 14.21%, in order to balance the budget as mandated by the state constitution. Do you think this is evil?

RT: Of coarse it's evil. You can't balance a budget just by reducing spending. That's ridiculous. It's like saying you could balance your checkbook, just by not buying everything you see. Obviously, what we need is more money. In effect, the government of Nevada needs to find a new job. I propose we move the entire government to Utah, and run that state for a while. I hear there's good money in Utah, and it's close enough we could still visit on weekends. After we've saved a little nest egg, we could move back and balance the budget.

SS: You've recently come out in favor of gay rights, and you're also very strong on the environment. Could you talk a little about these two issues?

RT: Yes, I think we should give as much taxpayer money as possible to anyone who even seems like they're gay. Just say you're gay, and you'd get a big pile of dough. Think of it, an entire state full of gay, rich people. We'd have to change the state motto, though. "Battle Born" is much too confrontational; something more like "Nevada; Fabulously Trendy", would be much better.

As far as the environment goes, I think putting up giant wind mills and solar reflectors all over the place, along with huge tubs of oil producing algae, would be great ideas. I especially like the algae thing. Some people refer to algae as pond scum, but they're being too harsh. Over the years, Ive come to appreciate pond scum. It's a texture thing with me. Besides, all these so-called mountains out here, are really just big piles of dirt. Who wants to see a big pile of dirt? I don't. I'm from New York.

SS: Thank you Mr. Townsend.

RT: Thank you.

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