In the past, the networks have been asking for people to send debate questions to them via Twitter. Not so this time. Apparently, someone among the powers that be has learned his lesson about the Twitteratti. That's too bad. I had assembled the crackerjack Not Ready For Publication News Team to come up with some questions for the candidates. I'm posting them here in the slim chance that the voice of the people will break through the corporatist elite's patriarchal power structure.
1) For Mitt Romney: The investment firm of Farnsworth & Fabersham LLC., controls $35 billion. At 9AM, Mr Farnsworth begins buying $12 billion in Italian 10 year notes, and at 10AM, Mr Fabersham begins buying $7 billion in corn futures. Will they go broke before the markets close at the end of the day?
2)For Rick Perry: If Netanyahu has a 3 handicap, and Hitler has a 4 handicap, what would be their expected combined score on a par 72?
3) For Ron Paul: If I make $2.5 trillion a year, but spend $4 trillion a year, how long will it take before somebody beats the crap out of me?
4) For Rick Santorum: Double Bubble or Bazooka Joe? (grunt)
5) For Newt Gingrich: Ding Dongs, or Twinkies? (grunt) ...or both? (grunt, grunt)
6) For Michelle Bachman: Could you please explain the difference between the General Relativity and Special Relativity theories? No? I said, "please."
7) For Herman Cain: There are 5 seconds left with Netanyahu guarding the high post. After an inbound pass, should Hitler drive for the stuff, or sell the drive, then pull-up for the stop-n-pop turnaround jumper?
8) For Newt Gingrich: Can you even do 10 sit-ups?
9) For Mitt Romney: Mr Fabersham, of Farnsworth & Fabersham LLC., is 5ft. 10 inches tall and has a girth of 63 inches. His arm-candy wife is 2 inches shorter with a girth 1/3 of his. What is their combined volume? (Bonus question) What is Mrs Fabersham's dress size?
10) For Rick Perry: There's 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth and the score is tied. You’re the 3rd base coach and Netanyahu is in scoring position on 2nd. Hank Williams Jr. hit’s a soft blooper to right where Hitler has been playing deep. The scouting report says Hitler is slow, given that he insists on wearing jack boots instead of cleats and he doesn't bend his knees when he runs. But, you know he has a cannon for an arm. Do you hold Netanyahu at third or wave him home?
11) For Michelle Bachman: There are 10 laps left in the Indy 500 and Hitler has a half lap lead over Netanyahu. Your last pit stop was 18 laps ago. Should you call Hitler in for a splash-n-dash or dial back on the fuel mixture?
12) For John Huntsman: Oh, are you still here?
13) For Newt Gingrich: Is it fair to call Democrats, "Socialists"? Isn’t that like calling a Ding Dong a Twinkie?
14) For Rick Santorum: Teriyaki jerky or Slim Jims? (grunt)
15) For Herman Cain, Mitt Romney, and Newt Gingrich: Given your combined backgrounds in business and snack foods, could you please explain why nobody has ever come out with a Caramel Twinkie Pizza? Discuss.
For all the candidates: (Raise your hand if in agreement) Are you willing to submit to a drug test and background check? Do you have documentation showing you have a legal right to work in the United States? Have you been convicted of a felony in the last 7 years? Is English your preferred language? Are you still listening to me, or are you just standing there doing what everyone else does? Can you be claimed as a dependant on anyone else's tax form? Do you have a high school diploma or GED? Are you capable of lifting 50 lbs, stooping, stretching, pushing, pulling, or standing in one place for long periods of time? If hired, can you conform to the rules, regulations, and code of conduct of the nation? Do you have any questions about our country?
If we determine your qualifications for this position meet our goals, we'll call you in the next week or two.